How am I today?

It's been a long time

2007-06-21T15:01:00.000-07:00

So long since I posted anything here.

Been doing the garden, my friend Alis came to stay and made me a vegetable patch. I now have potatoes, pumkins, squash, purple sprouting, red cabbage, peas, french beans, kidney beans, beetroot, lettuce and carrots. Several different mint plants, thyme and some flowers. At last my garden seems to be coming to life instead of being drowned by weeds.

Haven't been swimming with Alex the last 2 weeks as I have a cold . Play group has finished for a few weeks as Lisa, who runs it, has had her baby.

Still no luck with the potty training. Plus Alex has a bad case of the Terrible Twos.

I'm ok today

2007-05-09T12:56:00.000-07:00

I seem to have 'woken up' this week.

We spent the weekend in King's Lynn, shopping, swimming and eating.

I spent all day yesterday catching up with the washing.

Today Clare and myself went to the swimming baths at the end of my road, to see about mother and toddler swimming sessions. We have decided to go every Tuesday with our boys.

We then went shop for some groceries. In the afternoon we went to mother and toddler group at the library.

Tonight I cooked Ross and myself pork chop, mash potato, peas and stuffing.

Pete's funeral tomorrow

2007-04-26T09:07:00.000-07:00

Had the vicar, Jay Phelps, round this afternoon . He is very nice and is a biker. He said he will wear his biker gear to conduct the service. Very fitting as Pete loved motorbikes. It will be a Celtic / spititual ceremony with poems and music. We have chosen Steve Millerband - The Joker, for walking in with. Pink Floyd - Wish you were here. And Leonard Skynard - Freebird.

I'm just taking time as it comes. I seem to find myself wondering around in a dream , forgetting where I've put things. Still can't believe Pete won't walk through my door again, Xmas will be hard without him here.

My children are being fantastic in their own ways.

I received a card from the N.U.U.C unit at Addensbrookes today. That was so comforting to me.

The local Leicester newspaper are doing a story on Pete in tomorows edition. I will post the website here.

The last 3 days

2007-04-14T16:10:00.000-07:00

I think I have been on automatic pilot these last three days. I've even helped the stressed out nurses , with patients who have brain injuries that kept trying to get out of bed and take their feeding tubes out their noses.

I slept most the time at Petes side, my head on a pillow and my hand in his. I stroked his skin that was so hot due to the temperature of 40 degrees. The nurses brushed his teeth and wash and tended to turning him from one side to the other.

When the time came I didnt feel scared, I felt a rush of relief and peace. I comforted Ray and Craig. I havent cried much yet, I expect I will.

Stressed out

2007-04-11T14:12:00.000-07:00

I've spent alot of time thinking today about the Pete I grow up with.

I used to be the annoying little sister who followed him everywhere. I remember I got on his nerves when he was playing Monopoly with his friends (he would have been about 15, I was 9). I was standing by the living room door being annoying when he slam the door shut. Only when I looked at the door did I realise my finger was still in it. Blood everywhere and my Mum going mad at Pete. My fingernail still doesnt grow properly on that finger. A constant reminder of the fun days of childhood and my big brother.

Me looking rough and Alex looking cute as always

2007-04-10T14:59:00.000-07:00

This is me and Alex my son.

Very upset

2007-04-10T14:53:00.000-07:00

Its been a very hard day for me today after hearing the news about Pete from the doctor.

Clare and Kyle came round, we took the terrible 2 little angels really) on the park for a run around in the afternoon. Then we went to the library, then shopping with my son Craig (16).

Tonight has been hard, I keep getting upset. Matt has been a rock to me, so have my children.

Feeling numb

2007-04-09T16:11:00.000-07:00

Woke up about 2 this afternoon. Been very down today, cried a few times. Not lifted a finger at doing any housework.

Didnt eat anything till Owen made me a bacon sandwich tonight. Thanks Owen.

Matt wanted me to cook something but I havent got the consentration today to cook toast never mind anything else.

Been drinking lots of coffee, seem to be addicted to it.

Alex has been good, I played in the garden with him today.

Ups and Downs

2007-04-08T14:07:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning convinced it was Saturday. Only when I ran downstairs and opened the door to my beautiful daughter ,Clare (20) and my gorgeous Grandson Kyle (2), did I realise it was Easter Sunday.

It's 8 days now , it seems to me that the days have just blended together.

I did ,however, remember to take the anti depressant today, and give Owen his.

I managed to go for a walk with my partner Matt (aka Hippy), Clare , kyle and my son Alex (2).

It's taken me 2 attemps at remembering to put the chicken in the oven, but between myself and Clare we managed to cook a lovely roast dinner for 6.

The washing has been out all day, Owen bought it in for me tonight (Good Lad).

Tonight I am quite emotional. I have been receiving beautiful messgaes about Pete. I hope I am as good a person as he is. Thank you so much , the messages bring me so much comfort. I feel on my own here. I wish Pete was nearer to me to visit. Neither Matt nor me drive. I miss my brother so much, we are very close even tho we don't see each other much.

In limbo

2007-04-07T15:57:00.000-07:00

This is the 7th day that my brother Pete has been in a coma with very serious brain injury caused by losing control of his motorbike and hitting a tree.

There is no measure to the worrying I'm going through. There is no comfort for my mind. I can't concentrate , the house is looking a mess, I managed to get some washing pegged out on the line today and put another load into the washing machine, although I've just remembered that the washing is still on the line and it is now 12.00am. No way am I going out there now.

Another thing I just remembered is that I had forgotten to take my anti depressent. God, i'm going to be feeling so low tomorrow now. Not only that , I've also forgotten to get my oldest son , Owen 21, to take his anti depressent. He is asleep in the chair.

My partner Matt deserves a medal putting up with me and my disorder (Avoidant Personality Disorder). The news of my brother has put me into shock and Matt and my children have been a tower of strength.